Out of Mind - Back in Five...

To content | To menu | To search

Saturday, January 7 2012

2011 is over...

It's almost time to head back to BC. The good news is that I am returning as a student. Like I said earlier, it was touch and go there for a while, with me almost not passing. I still can't believe how much I screwed that up. Not happening again.

I'll be back in Atchison on Monday night. Classes will start back up on Wednesday. Time is going to fly again this year I bet. It seemed like last year went by way to fast. I need to keep better track of time this year, especially if I am graduating in December. I need to look for an internship as soon as possible, and then a job for after graduation. There are a few programs I can try for, but I also am not going to limit myself. For instance, my mom has been suggesting to me to apply for the Department of Defense (DoD), in the Morale, Welfare, and Recreation (MWR) department. With a degree in business management, I could possibly get a chance at managing restaurants or hotels for MWR in foreign countries. I had one cousin that managed places in Saudi Arabia! It would be nice to go back to Germany if that kind of chance showed up. Either way, I need to start getting on the ball and start applying.

Funny thing... I am ready to be back in Kansas. I think that area has grown on me, and now I feel at home there. Being a military brat has its benefits, I guess, with being able to settle quickly in new places and calling it home being one. I could almost stay there after school. Matter of fact, I might, depending on where I find a job. Not that I don't like Colorado. That would be far from the truth, as I love Colorado. Things have changed though. I don't really belong in Colorado anymore, at least not Colorado Springs right now. Maybe after I graduate I will be able to return and rebuild a life here.

I came to the realization that I might be a bigger nerd than I thought. I present two items of proof that support this claim: I bought my own Dungeons and Dragons mini figure and I built a spreadsheet in Excel to make keeping track of HP and calculating damage easier. *headdesk* After so many years of trying to avoid the monikers "nerd" or "geek", I can do so no more.

Well, I need to get to something else for a while, so I will sign off for now in hopes to write more later.

Wednesday, December 21 2011

Vague ramble

Seems I haven't posted on here in five months. A lot has happened in that time, most of which I would rather not remember. Last time I was on here, it was summertime in Atchison, KS. I figured then that I would have the extra time to write on here, and perhaps try to figure out a way to relieve some tension. Little did I know that I would not be able to find the motivation to actually come up with something to write. I just could not concentrate long enough to actually put coherent thoughts together in a way that made sense to read. Not much has changed.

School has gradually been getting more and more frustrating. I want to be done with it, so I don't have to worry about tests and papers anymore. They drive me up a wall. I wanted to literally beat my brains into my dorm wall a few times over papers. Luckily, I didn't, and with some sort of miracle (all it could be) I managed to pass this semester. Barely, mind you, but enough to keep me in school. Next semester, I am going to succeed even if it kills me.

I'm still unlucky in getting a girlfriend. There are plenty of girls I would like to ask out, but I think I am too scared anymore. Most all of the girls are good friends, and I don't want to mess up the friendships. Also, I really have nothing to offer at this point. I'm broke and have no idea what I am going to be doing after college. I also seem to be pretty unstable regarding my depression. I just can't seem to get over it, no matter what I do. Not quite boyfriend material I guess.

Well, I think that's enough whining for now.Maybe I'll come back later.

Tuesday, July 5 2011

Starting again

Things have been going pretty well lately. I have felt like I've been in a better mood, especially compared to some of the other times I have tried blogging. It's kind of strange, the way that emotions work, always changing. They are never the same one moment to the next. Actually, I am wondering a bit as to whether I should be referring to my emotions right now or to my disposition. I'm not exactly sure. Either way, lately I have been feeling better about myself and I'm not entirely sure why.

It's not like things have been going extraordinarily good or anything. I still have my frustrations involving money, work, school, Faith, etc., but I have been able to stay in a pretty good mood. Until the last few days.

Something is getting to me, bringing up those same feelings that I used to despair about. They aren't very strong yet, but I can feel them. The loneliness, anger, impatience... they're all digging their way up again, tearing at the chains that are supposed to keep them locked away,

I need to go back to my Faith. It used to be something that I could rely on. It used to be something I could believe in. Now I don't trust it, and I don't know why. I don't trust God like I don't trust man. Most of all, I don't trust myself.

If anybody actually reads this, I could sure use some prayers.